It’s true I’ve been gone a little while.
In the last month, I’ve had a nerve conduction test and more MRIs to check for nerve damage and update my doctor and my understanding of the status of my Chiari malformation. I’ve worked on posts and saved them, complete with photos.
I wanted to tell you all about how I sucked up my pride and messaged a local infertility center, hoping to be seen and find out how my Last Ovary Standing is holding up these days.
I wanted to post photos from Hanukkah, Christmas and New Year’s Eve that were inspirational or at least a “hello” to you all.
Instead, my status as of midnight NYE — what I always considered the most romantic night of the year — brought a very painful end to my 3 year relationship with my boyfriend, the best endo supporter I could have asked for. We lived together for nearly the entirety of our partnership, and now, moving out … I mean, holy shit, how do you dismantle a life? It would be easier if we hated each other; we don’t. We care deeply for each other and had plans for a future. The only thing I’m happy about is that he’s going to seek out what he needs and that I helped open the lines of communication between him and his family in the process.
Not that it makes a difference to the pain of separation. It doesn’t matter if you knew it was coming for months or it caught you by surprise, it’s not fun and it’s not easy.
Right now I’m staying at mom’s house, crying often, hiding in bed not eating (and eating femme stereotype foods like Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food ice cream when I do) and watching movies — favorites like “The Princess Bride” and “Alien.” And according to my Woman Pro Calendar app, I should have started menses on Thursday. I’ve had lots of signs (mostly cramps and pelvic ache and acne) but no Aunt Flo. This is not too surprising as stress will override everything, including your birth control, but it provides me no comfort, having the symptoms but no manifestation.
So if I disappoint with the updates in the New Year, I apologize. We all fight battles. Some are fought with a sword. Others are managed with a heating pad. And still others by letting yourself just be sad for a while.
Here’s to 2013 only getting better from here, every single day.