A place for endometriosis survivors & supporters, and all that goes with it.

Staying home: Damned if you do, damned if you don’t

3 Comments

AH, MONDAY.

Fuck you.

Normally I would have already been at work (my days off are Thursday and Friday), but I took Sunday off for the wedding party (which I missed) and Saturday off because of how I was feeling (and because it was already on the books, for some reason).

Last night the pain was bad enough that I was using the down-on-all-fours labor position, breathing through it and getting light-headed. I took a pregnancy test to rule out ectopic pregnancy (negative), and decided to call the gyne today if it continued.

So while I’m able to be a mostly upright human being today, my head is splitting open and I am unsure of how bad things may get today. I can already feel that bone-deep pain creeping down my legs, so my guess is “not awesome”.

And there’s a presidential debate tonight, so I know I’m going to want to fall over before the night is through.

And then, what should be a ray of hope: Boyfriend has mistakenly been given today off. Boyfriend offers to work my shift so I can stay home on FMLA.

Problem, you say? What problem?

Well, there’s guilt: we are beyond short staffed at work and can use everyone. Plus, why should he have to cover me because I have cramps? And I feel like I’ve abandoned the rest of the crew.

There’s fear and shame: Last week was so bad I tried to stand up to talk to a boss and almost fell over. This prompted many questions on his part that I was flustered, and I could have dodged but decided “oh fuck it” and told him the truth. Then he looked flustered. And I am afraid of getting so bad, like I used to, that I have to be taken home, or have people asking me all the time what’s going on and looking and feeling like shit at work, where I am supposed to be strong and indifferent.

So where does it stand? I’ll probably post this, and then get in the shower and go to work, like a good little soldier. Don’t expect me to dress nice, though.

What about you? What does it take for you to stay home or back out of events? How do you feel about it?

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Author: endosucks

Endometriosis sucks. I'm here to help. on.fb.me/endosucks twitter.com/endosucks endosucks.wordpress.com

3 thoughts on “Staying home: Damned if you do, damned if you don’t

  1. Unfortunately, my health issues (mostly my four herniated discs, 66% of my ankle gone, horrible cramps, and migraines) cause me to miss about 90%, if not more, of all social activities. At this point, I’ve stopped making plans rather than bailing on people all the time. The only time I’ve gone out in the past four months socially was for a friend’s wedding and to do so required serious doping on top of my normal medications. It took three days of being back in bed with ice on my back and a heating pad on my abdomen to recoop from the tiny four hour outing. I’ve almost completely sacrificied my social life so I’m able to survive trips to the doctor, lawyer, etc; whatever is “required” of me. Surely having a balanced life isn’t required! I constantly live with the guilt of not seeing my friends and family, canceling on them, letting them down. I’m used to being a rock for people and to be in a position where you’re powerless to your pain and on top of it, you can’t even see the people you care about the most is the worst thing in the world. Worse than being laid off from the job where I got hurt solely because I was being an overachiever and going into work while I was sick, during a power outage in a tornado.

  2. I wouldn’t ever feel guilty about not being able to make it into work when you’re in crippling pain. There’s so many people that take off for trivial things or aren’t even present when they’re at work that when YOU genuinely need the time, you deserve it. It’s better to take a day or two off, relax, recover, and come back at 100% than go in at 35%. It just causes more stress on your body and mind. Plus, from someone who truly knows, your boss probably really doesn’t appreciate it. You can’t care more about work than you do about your health. I made that mistake 5 years ago and it cost me an ankle, my back, a job, my life savings, my home, and now my life. Take care of yourself!

  3. I have missed a few work days this year because I literally could not get out of bed. I 100% know what you meant by the ‘on all fours kind of pain’, my fear is having that happen at work. My social life has definitely suffered lately and some friends are not understanding at all. I am pretty sure I am being called a ‘flake’. But my fiancee understands, my family understands and my boss gets it. The hardest part for me was telling my boss why I was missing so much work, I was so embarrassed I am pretty sure I started crying (sometimes working for all men sucks).

    I think its all about limiting the fear and shame. I would rather be known as a flake then ‘that girl who fainted’. I wouldn’t feel bad about missing work. It is not like you are home by choice. I hope things get better for you soon!

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