The day was cursed from the first twist I felt in my abdomen.
You know that feeling: that “I have to GO but I can’t really GO just yet” and it’s so uncomfortable. That’s just how I thought I’d feel today, because I’ve taken more intestine-irritating codeine in the last few days.
Then on my way to work, I felt it. That sick bubbling, cramping, hot-knife-skimming-my-pelvis feeling that indicates something bad is about to happen to you. The side effects of endo on my gastro system are beyond control, prediction or toleration any more and I’m calling a specialist on Monday. But that wasn’t helping me on Sunday. When my body decides it’s time, IT’S TIME. I definitely had to run for the bathroom at work. There was much pain before there was relief.
Then things calmed down, and I thought I’d have a pretty calm day. Things were going pretty well at work: getting well under way with design, moving along nicely, good conversations, feeling OK after all that.
Then in the 10 o’clock hour, another sickness hit. And this one nobody seems to be able to figure out.
First my hands feel really weak and get cold. Then my whole body feels like I’ve lost control of my muscles, followed by dizziness that flirts with about-to-fall-over, coupled with the inability to speak, move or even give in to it all and pass out. Just sitting on that edge, nauseated and worthless, watching my deadline creep in and slip past. It’s a miracle I got things out on time.
This would be bad enough if it only lasted a few minutes. I *wish* I could have passed out, giving me a way out of feeling like hell and proving that it’s not in my head. No such luck. And it lasted an hour and a half. AN HOUR AND A HALF.
I finally feel like I have capabilities, but now I’m so tired all I want to do is fall asleep face-down on my desk.
Endo is an all the time thing. It is my second full-time job. And I don’t get to leave it at the office.
Jesus I can’t wait to go to bed.
Even a support group leader needs to vent and ask for support of her own sometimes.