The medical pain scale and why it’s the suck

Have you ever read Hyperbole and a Half? It’s awesome.

I’d read her post before about why the pain scale — the one that doctors and ER techs will ask you if it’s a “1″ for not much pain or “10″ for worst pain you’ve ever had, usually accompanied with little cartoon faces that range from “on ecstasy” to “I shit my pants at age 35″ to “bring me the sweet loving embrace of death” — is a lot of crap, but I’d forgotten about its brilliance.

At some point or another, you will probably be asked to quantify your pain on a paltry 10-level scale. I have always filed this under “total bullshit,” which makes me psyched that I created that tag last week. Honestly, my pain is different from your pain. And my pain is different day to day. To what exactly should I compare today’s pain? It’s all relative. Why are you in the emergency room if you can point to the “totally fucking rad!” happy face end of the scale?

Here’s an example of one, taken by Hyperbole and a Half:

The current pain scale ranges from "totally rad!" to "I'm sorry I was drunk and peed the rug at your mom's funeral"

And where are the odd numbers? Medical professionals again take away my options. FOR SHAME.

I personally plan on printing out many copies of this blogger’s vastly improved pain scale, which not only provides to-the-point descriptions of pain but also goes up to 11. I’ll carry it in my purse at all times and may even give them to my laboring mothers.

Click here to go read Hyperbole and a Half. You won’t be sorry:

For reference, the new pain scale is as such:

0: Hi. I am not experiencing any pain at all. I don’t know why I’m even here.
1: I am completely unsure whether I am experiencing pain or itching or maybe I just have a bad taste in my mouth.
2: I probably just need a Band Aid.
3: This is distressing. I don’t want this to be happening to me at all.
4: My pain is not fucking around.
5: Why is this happening to me??
6: Ow. Okay, my pain is super legit now.
7: I see Jesus coming for me and I’m scared.
8: I am experiencing a disturbing amount of pain. I might actually be dying. Please help.
9: I am almost definitely dying.
10: I am actively being mauled by a bear.
11: Blood is going to explode out of my face at any moment.
Too Serious For Numbers: You probably have ebola. It appears that you may also be suffering from Stigmata and/or pinkeye.

And rate these blog entries and tweet them if you have a second. I promise it won’t be the saddest, worst pain you’ve ever experienced.